Post-pill life.

Now I’ve never been one for particularly caring about my body or the planet or animals etc. so moving in with the family I currently live with who are part vegetarian, non-floride using, filtered water drinking, yoga/qi gong practicing, non-animal testing was a bit of an eye opener. I still practice none of this.

I was a constant user of the contraceptive pill for 6 years (16-22), then came off it for a year to see what I was missing. Not much really, although I had only 8 periods in one year. Just as it was starting to regulate again (as much as my ridiculous body clock can) the following summer, I met somebody and decided to go back on it. Mistake. 

One more year later and here we are. I stopped taking it about 4 months ago because I had regained weight since starting again and nothing is worth that! And I’d been feeling depressed again for no real reason, which is DEFINITELY a place I REFUSE to go back to. Now I’ve found it slightly easier to control my appetite, but oh god, the sebum (I hate that word so much) that my face is producing is nothing I’ve ever known before. This morning I learnt that the pill suppresses your sebum quantities to a ‘childish amount’ so about 3 months into the withdrawal period, your body is like WOAH IT’S AN ADULT! 

So… spots. I mean, there have always been some spots, but in recent years it’s been clear sailing. Now I’m getting those big hot red fuckers on my chin again – not cool.

Also, so far my periods are every 34 days, opposed to the traditional 28 days. Huzzah.

So that’s it. No more birth-control poison for me! And my friend who cares about everything is doing it at the same time, so we’re both comparing notes now and again. There are now no men allowed in this house. Be gone, with your sperm!

April

Has been a weird one! Mostly good things happening but I lost my Grandad on the 10th so I had to come down a cloud or two. I am now grandparentless.

 We’ve been off a month for Easter holidays so it’s been lazy. The lack of movement has meant I’ve had to focus on eating less (which I should do anyway) because there’ve been a lot of body-dismorphia feels floating around my head lately and I don’t want it to bring me down like it so often does. 

There’s word of more work in the pet shop for summer which will be smashing because I won’t be poor as fuck. Yay.

Just finished my critical commentary on the tempest essay and should now probably start one of the last big essays… eh. 

Dreams

As of the end of last year I’ve started keeping a little notebook by the side of my bed in which I write down my dreams just as I’ve had them. 

If anybody reads this book, I am straight up getting sent to an asylum.Even if they don’t exist anymore, they will build one just for me. 

So this is a plea to the guy who sorts out who dreams what. Hi, can I just NOT dream anymore please? That would be fantastic, if you could keep your weird Harry Potter murder purgatory (I didn’t even truly know what purgatory meant before I just googled it) shit to yourself and not wake me up by somebody touching the back of my head because to be honest I’m gonna go fucking mental if you don’t pack it in.

Regards, Sam.

Night Sweats / Sleep Pt.2 

The last 4/5 months has seen some if the worst nights sleep I’ve ever known. Waking up in the middle of the night totally soaked around my neck, at least 5 nights a week. In recent weeks there have been a few occasions where it’s been my full body, which is mental because I’ve never in my life really sweated much, unless working out.

Well the last 4 nights has been fine, I think I might have cracked it. 

Bear in mind that I’ve just woke up and it’s -1℃ outside. I’ve been sleeping with my window wide open, with a 4 tog duvet, completely naked (I’ve always worn a big T-shirt and pj bottoms in bed) with the radiator off. And I’m really warm. 

BUT.

Not warm enough to have woken me up at all last night, nor enough to sweat. 

So this is my new method of sleeping… I don’t know what’s going to become of me in summer, hopefully my weirdo body will have fixed itself by then. If not then… 

North Pole, here I come!

Sleep.

I have never struggled to sleep. On the contrary actually, I find it rather difficult to stay awake most of the time. 

Lately, or rather the last year or so, I have struggled with sleeping. Particularly in the last 4 months, I’ve been waking up restlessly, totally soaked around my neck. It’s not great. 

My dreams are weird as shit, mostly horrible like the one I just had of letting my mum drown in a swimming pool, or having a load of kids on a long chain like balloons (somebody made me hold their fairground ride while they went to the toilet), accidentally letting go and watching them, with the worst, chest tightening feeling ever, float up and up into nothing, knowing they were lost forever and it was all my fault. 

The most common is to be woken by things crawling in me or buzzing around my head, then waking up to nothing but the dark. 

I’d rather just not dream at all, thank you. 

I don’t know what is causing me now to not sleep through the night without disturbance. I’m not particularly stressed out at the moment, that is apart from what this is causing, so if the universe has any ideas, please give me a sign. 

Sleepy regards.

The inevitable blog, i.e, my most frequent complaint.

Isn’t IBS fun.

In many cases (mine included) it can be triggered by worrying. I am 83% made up of worry. 

I can’t even drink away my problems because that triggers it too. Nor can I eat greasy food. 

Cold drinks? Nah.

I try to eat healthy. My body then goes WHADDAFUCKISDIS?? and an hour later I’m exploding again. Bro.

Maybe I’ll try going for a jog, get the heart pumping… No because even that turns my stomach to liquid! 

Basically my body can just do one, end of. 

As soon as full-body transplants are a thing, I’ll be the first to apply.